Endless Pain

Have you ever hated yourself, and couldn't figure out why?

Been in a down mood and can't get out of it, whether you want to or not.

Didn't want to look at anyone around you because you're afraid they're looking back.

You wonder what they're looking at, why?

You cover yourself up.

Something so small, something so innocent as a smile can take you back to that day.

That day your childhood was snatched, the day you hid that dress.

The day you decided you hated dresses.

The day you decided you didn't want to be a girl anymore and you didn't want to like boys.

You showered and bathed, you scrubbed and scraped.

Why is everybody looking at me?

You wear big clothes so no one can notice you, your hair in a ponytail.

Walk with your head down, only looking up occasionally.

You grow up trusting no one but your brothers, even your uncles you look at funny.

You cringe when someone compliments you and you wish your brain could walk around alone.

You're afraid to make physical contact with a male because the pain lingers.

You take to the computer because they can look but can't touch.

You take cute pictures and fish for compliments because you still want to be pretty.

You're confused because you're preoccupied with sex but afraid to have it.

You cry at night because you long for understanding.

You cry at night because no one ever noticed you changed.

You cry at night because you never told, and he roams free.

You cry at night because he ruined you.

You cry at night because other girls have experienced this pain.

They're different girls because of it.

"Get over it. You're 22 years old"

Says the psychiatrist who's never experienced this pain.

You tell yourself it's your fault because your pretty.

Shouldn't have been home alone.

Or you just shouldn't have said no one was there.

And then you go play games like nothing happened.

And you live your life with demons trapped inside.

You never get over it cause you never faced it.

You're 22 years old.

It was 12 years ago. 

Get it out of your mind.

*Sigh* I watched Oprah today, even though after seeing the previews I knew I shouldn't have. Monique's brother finally admitted to sexually abusing her when she was 7 years old. Sadly he did it numerous times. What's also sad is that he feels she should magically be able to get over it because they're blood. He's her brother. Did that stop him from doing what he did to her? He says he was molested as a child, he was also on drugs and crap when it happened. And to that, I say this. Who gives a fuck?? That's STILL your sister and she was still 7 years old. That stuff does NOT just happen, and it follows you for the rest of your life. I'm gonna leave it there, I'm very emotional. Good day.

F you!

And I mean this in the nicest way possible!

25 Random Facts

Ahem.

1. Nicole is NOT my first name!
2. I had a lunchables for lunch at work the other day and it was EVERYTHING!
3. I have an addiction to chapstick, lotion any other hydrating products.
4. Rodney is the best thing that ever happened to me.
5. My nails are a really BRIGHT pink.
6. I'll be 23 this year.
7. I dn't like to try new things unless they're on someone else's plate.
8. I was 18 before I could watch the Thriller video the whole way through.
9. I have low self esteem...But I'm working on it!
10. If I dn't like you, I won't pretend to.
11. Black liner on lips is my pet peeve.
12. I hate to be pre-judged.
13. bikinibottom.tumblr is EVERYTHING!
14. I used to want to be an actress one day. Ok, still do.


Ok so maybe 14 random facts...I'm sleepy lol

Nicki Minaj- Massive Attack

Let me just say that I love me some Nicki Minaj. Well...I love Nicki Minaj before all the fame. Back when I could quote her on twitter or facebook and people could ask who she was. Now, she seems to be getting a tad extra! I still love her though! And I will support her but I think she should've picked a better single. I can't figure out the song, maybe if I listen to it some more I can catch the beat but uruh...As it stands?? I'm sooooo confused!


She is baaaddd though! Pretty face and I want her body..Well I dn't need ALL the donk she has..I think I'm good with mine. Let me do some sit ups. Good day! lol

Cute, CHEAP summer dress!

I paid 10 bucks for this dress at forever21 and I loooove it! It's a very simple (plain) dress so it gives u the freedom to dress it up or down. Cute AND a bargain? :-)

I added the waist belt but it's definitely cinched at the waist. Just wanted to add a little sum sum! :-)


SIDE NOTE: Check out the legs though! Right?? "I'm killing you with them legs, better yet them thighs!" Working in a public place will get you right (using public bathrooms). If you don't understand what I mean, shame on you! Nasty!

So like...

So like...My makeup skills are getting better! U see that blending chile?? YESSSS!! I used my 120 pallet..Some oranges and pinks because I had on a grey outfit on a hot spring day.It turned out great!