Endless Pain

Have you ever hated yourself, and couldn't figure out why?

Been in a down mood and can't get out of it, whether you want to or not.

Didn't want to look at anyone around you because you're afraid they're looking back.

You wonder what they're looking at, why?

You cover yourself up.

Something so small, something so innocent as a smile can take you back to that day.

That day your childhood was snatched, the day you hid that dress.

The day you decided you hated dresses.

The day you decided you didn't want to be a girl anymore and you didn't want to like boys.

You showered and bathed, you scrubbed and scraped.

Why is everybody looking at me?

You wear big clothes so no one can notice you, your hair in a ponytail.

Walk with your head down, only looking up occasionally.

You grow up trusting no one but your brothers, even your uncles you look at funny.

You cringe when someone compliments you and you wish your brain could walk around alone.

You're afraid to make physical contact with a male because the pain lingers.

You take to the computer because they can look but can't touch.

You take cute pictures and fish for compliments because you still want to be pretty.

You're confused because you're preoccupied with sex but afraid to have it.

You cry at night because you long for understanding.

You cry at night because no one ever noticed you changed.

You cry at night because you never told, and he roams free.

You cry at night because he ruined you.

You cry at night because other girls have experienced this pain.

They're different girls because of it.

"Get over it. You're 22 years old"

Says the psychiatrist who's never experienced this pain.

You tell yourself it's your fault because your pretty.

Shouldn't have been home alone.

Or you just shouldn't have said no one was there.

And then you go play games like nothing happened.

And you live your life with demons trapped inside.

You never get over it cause you never faced it.

You're 22 years old.

It was 12 years ago. 

Get it out of your mind.

*Sigh* I watched Oprah today, even though after seeing the previews I knew I shouldn't have. Monique's brother finally admitted to sexually abusing her when she was 7 years old. Sadly he did it numerous times. What's also sad is that he feels she should magically be able to get over it because they're blood. He's her brother. Did that stop him from doing what he did to her? He says he was molested as a child, he was also on drugs and crap when it happened. And to that, I say this. Who gives a fuck?? That's STILL your sister and she was still 7 years old. That stuff does NOT just happen, and it follows you for the rest of your life. I'm gonna leave it there, I'm very emotional. Good day.

F you!

And I mean this in the nicest way possible!

25 Random Facts

Ahem.

1. Nicole is NOT my first name!
2. I had a lunchables for lunch at work the other day and it was EVERYTHING!
3. I have an addiction to chapstick, lotion any other hydrating products.
4. Rodney is the best thing that ever happened to me.
5. My nails are a really BRIGHT pink.
6. I'll be 23 this year.
7. I dn't like to try new things unless they're on someone else's plate.
8. I was 18 before I could watch the Thriller video the whole way through.
9. I have low self esteem...But I'm working on it!
10. If I dn't like you, I won't pretend to.
11. Black liner on lips is my pet peeve.
12. I hate to be pre-judged.
13. bikinibottom.tumblr is EVERYTHING!
14. I used to want to be an actress one day. Ok, still do.


Ok so maybe 14 random facts...I'm sleepy lol

Nicki Minaj- Massive Attack

Let me just say that I love me some Nicki Minaj. Well...I love Nicki Minaj before all the fame. Back when I could quote her on twitter or facebook and people could ask who she was. Now, she seems to be getting a tad extra! I still love her though! And I will support her but I think she should've picked a better single. I can't figure out the song, maybe if I listen to it some more I can catch the beat but uruh...As it stands?? I'm sooooo confused!


She is baaaddd though! Pretty face and I want her body..Well I dn't need ALL the donk she has..I think I'm good with mine. Let me do some sit ups. Good day! lol

Cute, CHEAP summer dress!

I paid 10 bucks for this dress at forever21 and I loooove it! It's a very simple (plain) dress so it gives u the freedom to dress it up or down. Cute AND a bargain? :-)

I added the waist belt but it's definitely cinched at the waist. Just wanted to add a little sum sum! :-)


SIDE NOTE: Check out the legs though! Right?? "I'm killing you with them legs, better yet them thighs!" Working in a public place will get you right (using public bathrooms). If you don't understand what I mean, shame on you! Nasty!

So like...

So like...My makeup skills are getting better! U see that blending chile?? YESSSS!! I used my 120 pallet..Some oranges and pinks because I had on a grey outfit on a hot spring day.It turned out great! 

Viva Glam..Gaga!

Ok so I just got my new favorite lipstick, Gaga a couple days to a week ago. Yes I know I'm a little late, but I'm not as much of a MAC head as some people are so..

Let me just say, I should've got this a long time ago! I love it! It's beautiful on my skin tone and I can never find the right baby pink. TRUST, I've tried! I'm in love..

Ok so this one I took in the bathroom when I first put it on.. This one is around the same time but I used a color boost to make the color pop (On camera)

This is how it looked in natural light. I took this in the car. I love it! I should've bought 2. 

Dear Dad

J.W.,

I love you and I hate you. I miss you, I am you. All my life you've been a part of me, whether I wanted you to be or not. I'm sad that you're not here with me. And I pushed you away when you were. I'm vulnerable now. Things you used to say back then, now make sense. J.W. Pinto Bean, why'd you leave me? I'm 22 years old, and you're not here. You never met Rodney. I dated him before I turned 40. Sorry, but I love him.

Mom tells me all the time how much like you I am. Your sense of humor, your intelligence. You should've won us some money on Jeopardy! The best part of being human is to be able to forgive, I forgave you long ago. Dad, my thoughts are scattered, my tears are heavy, my mind is spinning. So many things on my mind..What if?

When I sit back and think of some of the things you used to say, the things you used to do. I realize how alike we are. The way you used to laugh at EVERYTHING. Your house could burn down and you would have to laugh. And I hated it then, I couldn't understand how you would possibly laugh at something so serious. But I get it now. The world gets so serious sometimes that it's hard to cope, you have to laugh in order to make it through the day. I find myself doing it now.

You would get depressed that life isn't going the way you thought it would, and you would turn to drinking. I couldn't stand it. But everyone has their quirks, everyone has their comfort blanket. Yours happened to be alcohol. Me? I escape. I live through other people. I turn to blogs, youtube, what ever and I forget about my life. I don't want anything else to do with it until I'm forced to come back to reality. I get it Dad. And I hate that it took you not being here with me anymore to understand you. Or maybe it's the fact that I've matured and I couldn't understand the emotion or thought process until I got older and could relate?

Dad your presence is with me at all times. And when I have a baby, I'll be sure they know J.W. Pintobean because I know your spirit will be dancing all through them.
I'm not angry any more. I promise.

Puerto Rican

Treat Yourself Ladies...My Sunday Ritual

The greatest love is the love for ones self. To honestly fall in love with another person, you have to fall in love with yourself. So...Just about every Sunday, I use that night to pamper myself. I go on a date with myself.

I first run a nice hot bath and pour in some nice bath salts and body oils. As I let the water run, I use an exfoliating face wash. I normally use Queen Helene Cocoa Butter scrub. Since using it my dark spots have gotten much lighter. After I wash my face I use the Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask. I swear by the mint julep mask! You look so much more alive after you wash it off. Your pores appear smaller, your skin looks tighter, and you just look brighter! I liiive for the Mint Julep!

So I sit in the tub...W/ my mint julep mask..listening to some r&b..Just take the time to relax..I take however much time I need to get back to 100% for the wk to come.

Take a shower, w/ your fav. body wash w/ a drop of coconut oil for soft skin. (Do everything u'd do in the shower)

After that, wash and moisturize your face. Repaint your toe nails. You're ready for the wk!

Just a thought..

Is a friend rly a friend if u have to wonder their intentions? Like..They're seasonal? Not there 100% of the time..Ok, well 85%?

BRB

Revamping the layout

I need this..NOw

Mac Cosmetics lipstick in the color Siss. I hear it's a really good nude for women of color so I'm dying to try it! I only have one nude color, and it's not Mac..Like..I need this!
Over the Knee boots from Bakers. I'm in love, but I want the black ones, not the grey ones. But the grey ones are hot too! I'm part goth though! I love black!
Isn't this case cute?? I love it..I need it.

My Heart..

Lol sittin at home..Doin NOTHIN! I was recording him and he didn't know at first...Then we were being silly..Oh I was sick by the way..So dn't mind the sniffles n the screwy voice..

Wooooww!!

It's been sooo long since I've updated my blog! I sort of forgot about it..Sorry! When I started this blog, I used it becuz I had no one to talk to..and was going through a rough time in my life. EVERY aspect of my life. So I guess in a sense it's good that I haven't used it, cuz I used it to vent. Even though I deleted the posts. (I didn't want anything/body shown in a bad light..That's not how I get down) BUT...I'm thinkin I can revamp it n turn it around..I still dn't know who my mystery readers are but that's ok! ;-)