Endless Pain

Have you ever hated yourself, and couldn't figure out why?

Been in a down mood and can't get out of it, whether you want to or not.

Didn't want to look at anyone around you because you're afraid they're looking back.

You wonder what they're looking at, why?

You cover yourself up.

Something so small, something so innocent as a smile can take you back to that day.

That day your childhood was snatched, the day you hid that dress.

The day you decided you hated dresses.

The day you decided you didn't want to be a girl anymore and you didn't want to like boys.

You showered and bathed, you scrubbed and scraped.

Why is everybody looking at me?

You wear big clothes so no one can notice you, your hair in a ponytail.

Walk with your head down, only looking up occasionally.

You grow up trusting no one but your brothers, even your uncles you look at funny.

You cringe when someone compliments you and you wish your brain could walk around alone.

You're afraid to make physical contact with a male because the pain lingers.

You take to the computer because they can look but can't touch.

You take cute pictures and fish for compliments because you still want to be pretty.

You're confused because you're preoccupied with sex but afraid to have it.

You cry at night because you long for understanding.

You cry at night because no one ever noticed you changed.

You cry at night because you never told, and he roams free.

You cry at night because he ruined you.

You cry at night because other girls have experienced this pain.

They're different girls because of it.

"Get over it. You're 22 years old"

Says the psychiatrist who's never experienced this pain.

You tell yourself it's your fault because your pretty.

Shouldn't have been home alone.

Or you just shouldn't have said no one was there.

And then you go play games like nothing happened.

And you live your life with demons trapped inside.

You never get over it cause you never faced it.

You're 22 years old.

It was 12 years ago. 

Get it out of your mind.

*Sigh* I watched Oprah today, even though after seeing the previews I knew I shouldn't have. Monique's brother finally admitted to sexually abusing her when she was 7 years old. Sadly he did it numerous times. What's also sad is that he feels she should magically be able to get over it because they're blood. He's her brother. Did that stop him from doing what he did to her? He says he was molested as a child, he was also on drugs and crap when it happened. And to that, I say this. Who gives a fuck?? That's STILL your sister and she was still 7 years old. That stuff does NOT just happen, and it follows you for the rest of your life. I'm gonna leave it there, I'm very emotional. Good day.