Dear Dad

J.W.,

I love you and I hate you. I miss you, I am you. All my life you've been a part of me, whether I wanted you to be or not. I'm sad that you're not here with me. And I pushed you away when you were. I'm vulnerable now. Things you used to say back then, now make sense. J.W. Pinto Bean, why'd you leave me? I'm 22 years old, and you're not here. You never met Rodney. I dated him before I turned 40. Sorry, but I love him.

Mom tells me all the time how much like you I am. Your sense of humor, your intelligence. You should've won us some money on Jeopardy! The best part of being human is to be able to forgive, I forgave you long ago. Dad, my thoughts are scattered, my tears are heavy, my mind is spinning. So many things on my mind..What if?

When I sit back and think of some of the things you used to say, the things you used to do. I realize how alike we are. The way you used to laugh at EVERYTHING. Your house could burn down and you would have to laugh. And I hated it then, I couldn't understand how you would possibly laugh at something so serious. But I get it now. The world gets so serious sometimes that it's hard to cope, you have to laugh in order to make it through the day. I find myself doing it now.

You would get depressed that life isn't going the way you thought it would, and you would turn to drinking. I couldn't stand it. But everyone has their quirks, everyone has their comfort blanket. Yours happened to be alcohol. Me? I escape. I live through other people. I turn to blogs, youtube, what ever and I forget about my life. I don't want anything else to do with it until I'm forced to come back to reality. I get it Dad. And I hate that it took you not being here with me anymore to understand you. Or maybe it's the fact that I've matured and I couldn't understand the emotion or thought process until I got older and could relate?

Dad your presence is with me at all times. And when I have a baby, I'll be sure they know J.W. Pintobean because I know your spirit will be dancing all through them.
I'm not angry any more. I promise.

Puerto Rican